What Lies Beneath… The Beauty of Transparency!

We all have bad days but how does one find the strength to maintain that social aspect of their life? What feelings lie beneath our exterior? This is a struggle for me. I want to help so many women like me, but I feel my mind at times, isn’t even in the right space to do so. This is the beauty of transparency and our feelings.

I now believe instead of internalizing my thoughts and keeping them bottled up like I’m so used to doing, maybe expressing these feelings, allowing myself to be in this moment and really feel and voice my struggles. Being transparent will allow other women who align with similar thoughts to accompany me so we can all take this journey together of self-love; self-expression. 

Let me tell you really the person I am. I’m a lover, man I care so much about the people in my life; although this can be a skill, it has been my downfall plenty of times as I tend to put their needs before mine.

This really shows in my relationships; Growing up watching my mom struggle to keep men in her life I saw how this affected her mentally and how this effected me as well. I am able to admit this contributed to how I internalize my own thoughts and emotions.

I had struggles of my own, I spent countless hours waiting on my porch all night for my Dad to come. I never really heard from him much unless he was writing me from jail expressing his apologies.

I soaked up this time to establish a relationship with him through all those letters to the point that became enough for me. The few times I did get to spend with him in person meant so much to me; I was a little girl desperately wanting to be good enough for him to want me around. 

As I got older, I began putting him aside and almost like my Mom I started seeking that male attention from men. Although I had a few naive moments putting myself in situations, at times, I had to learn the hard way but honestly it helped me personally to realize who I was and what I wanted out of life.

I know I was very young lol but I had so much time and outside influences that helped to construct that little girl. I wanted something with someone I could build with from childhood. My first real boyfriend was 9th grade and honestly, I had never really been single since until, well into my twenties. 

In these relationships I gave them my all and honestly treated them with a future in mind but that didn’t stop the hurt that came with young love. As the years went by, like many women in love, I built these guys up, helped with businesses, been the support system they needed, even helped one get through college while I was doing the same.

You know where that left me? Lol nowhere because I refused to allow someone to take me for granted. Although this wasn’t my only focus, I still maintained outside relationships with my friends, I was apart of groups and activities, still I wanted my love life to be in tact.

At the age of 25 I had my son, but this was after I thought my life was going what I thought was the right way to conceive. At this time, I had my own place, car, college graduate, great job and was engaged! When I have my mind set on something, I almost have to accomplish that goal so once we both made that decision, I went full force!

What I didn’t realize at the time was to allow myself time to really heal in between relationships and take that moment to focus and understand myself therefore I wouldn’t put myself in the the same situations.

Although I got an amazing little boy out of the deal, I quickly learned the hard way again that I was in fact going to be something I never wanted to be, a single mom; a statistic. This was difficult for me to swallow for a while as I stated before I give so much of myself I didn’t understand how I had reached this moment.

The thing I knew for sure is I needed to be happy and couldn’t stay in a situation that had me losing myself. Being in the mental health field I had to skills to recognize early this may not be any of my doing but I might just need to leave the situation. I had to embrace and understand self-love.

I decided to leave my son’s father when he was about 4 months old and honestly that was the best and courageous decision I had to make. I see a lot of women stay in toxic relationships for the child but that just ends up hurting everyone in the end.

Our children need to be surrounded with healthy relationships and honestly, I had been building myself up to know that I deserve and will have something better. I wouldn’t ever want my little boy to grow up and see his mother suffer in a situation for him. This is a tough topic to discuss and be opened about but you all need to know what lies beneath the real Shanell. I talk in more depth in a separate post on my view of motherhood.

I ask myself so many times why must I go through certain situations when I give so much to others? Then my psychology background triggers which helps me to recognize I have been following in my own mother’s footsteps actually just in a different way.

I too want that perfect relationship (even though we all want it) and I will stop at nothing to try and keep it. The thing is even when hurt is done to me I still cannot find it in me to retaliate, instead I learned to separate myself completely, I guess that’s the maturity in me lol.

Although these situations can tear us down, I believe we should embrace it as well because it allows us to learn ourselves better; what we are willing and not willing to tolerate. From then on, I began to go through life with the mentality and goal of only feeling free. This is a necessity for me, and the next man that I allow in my life will have to make me feel that way as well.

We all want to be happy in the end, that’s the end goal but this life we live is very challenging. Our decisions always have consequences and of course we have to learn from them but man I wish we knew the right ones to bypass a few heartbreaks lol. 

Women like me, go through so many struggles behind the scenes, yet we try to suck it up and put on a good face. We’re the caring type that never really want to start confrontations. This is beauty of being transparent that way others can relate to my story. You shouldn’t be ashamed of your story as it shapes you into the person you’re continuing to become.

I read a post on social media that said “Please stop calling Black Women Strong as a compliment. ‘Strong,’ is why our mortality rate in medicine is high. Strong is why our pain is not taken seriously. Strong is why there is less empathy for us. Strong is why we’re put last in every movement because we can ‘handle it.’”

I believe too many black woman at some point actually go through this. This statement spoke to me on so many levels. My 29 years here I’ve been taught to be “strong”; I couldn’t voice my worries and concerns as it was looked at that I was complaining and needed to get over it.

At an early age I began to suppress my emotions because I was afraid of the response I would get if I really let someone in; as a lot of the responses would be “you’re young”. At the end of the day these feelings were very much still there. How am I supposed to move forward when I can’t express how I really feel? This is why it’s so important to have a support system where you’re able to have these conversations; even seeking professional therapy.

I don’t want to hide behind a smile, I want you all to know that smile is me trying every day to think positively and constantly looking for things to be thankful for. That’s the beauty of being transparent. You all are able to actually see and feel what lies beneath Shanell Lamere.

This life is a journey, a “marathon” as Nipsey Hustle said. We have to wake up each day and find ways to build our purpose, to put our stamp on the world. Loving yourself is the best self-care there is. Putting yourself first and acknowledging your emotions and feelings and putting them to use. This goes far beyond relationships I just wanted you all to know a little about me and my own struggles.

We have to start allowing ourselves to become vulnerable and really receive and understand our emotions. We are all beautiful and our stories, all very different but equally important, help us to blossom into the best version of ourselves and choosing to be free, now that’s a strong woman right there! That’s the beauty of transparency.